Well, those is probably not the exact words that M-People sang, but you can get the gist of what I mean. Basically, the search for inner beauty is the search for our own selves. To do that, we must begin by examining just who our heroes are.

My personal heroes are: Saint Joan of Arc, Lady Charlotte Guest, Queen Cartismandua of the Brigante and Saint Tydfil the Martyr. Basically, they were women who were unafraid. They stood up for what they believed in; whether it be leading the French army, running a successful iron works in the Victorian era, preserving the tribe against Roman invasion or courage in the face of violent death. They are all women who possessed the courage that I lack.

Do I have a hero inside myself? As the saying goes, inside every fat woman there is a thin one dying to get out (though I do not agree with this!). So, is there a hero inside me, wishing that the abject coward on the outside would move over and let her run my life? All my life I have taken the easy way. Kept quiet, listened to the voices in my head who tell me how fat, how stupid, how talentless I am. Inside me, there is a woman who believes in her own ability to write and who is determined to make a go of writing fiction. But that woman is constantly stifled by the coward who remembers the failures and the fear.

It is a terrible thing to admit to oneself, that one is a coward. But it is a truth that I am having to face up to more and more as I get older. In 2001, the first year of the new millennium, I reached my 40th year. With nothing to show for those 40 years of any great worth. What will the next 40 years be like? I wish I knew the answer to that.

Note: This was written for the first version of "Peroriaeth", in 2002. Several years on and I have completed a degree with the Open University. I joined a weely walking group and I am was a member of the Women's Institute, archiver, and secretary. I think that the old adage is true, life begins at 50!